I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
