One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
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