was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
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I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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