Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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