Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
