clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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