don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
