He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
