nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
