so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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