today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
