Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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