i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
