just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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