3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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