I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
