Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
