Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
