In America we eat man semen.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
