theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
