bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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