I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
