I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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