Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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