It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
