I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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