trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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