well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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