She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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