Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
