cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
