Just cropdusted the office
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
