this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
