so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
