Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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