I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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