Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
