I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
