hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
