I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
