I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
