sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
