The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
