I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
