I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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