I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My first STD was from a foam party
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
