I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
