I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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