We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
