Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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