Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
