i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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