I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
