He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
