you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
