It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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