ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you win again, gameday.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
