i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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