i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
