Please, let me fuck your mom
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Randomize
